Things have been rough this week. I'm behind on everything and fixated on getting down to Florida to clean out mom and dad's place. This is not something I look forward to, but something I feel I just have to do. I think it may be a little over the top, though. I don't really need those "things" to remember my parents and I know that. I wonder if it's just so my sister won't have them........ I've tried to understand my sister for a long time. I wish I could find out what I did or said to make her feel the way she does about me. Of course, it may not be me at all. It may be just the way she is. She was definitely brought up very differently then I was (yea right). Anyway, now as I think about it, it's more that I just want to see the place one more time and say "good-bye" and let it all go. T. can have all the things if she wants them. I want her to have the whole place to herself. She can pay the bills and fight with the jerk who owns the park or she can sell the house and keep the money. I just want out of all of it!!! This would be one less stress in my life.
I came across an article that I pulled out of a magazine back in 1993. It's just 2 pages but it really hits home. It seems to validate my feelings (which for some reason I always seem to need) at having lost both of my parents. It will be 10 years on January 13th at about 5:00 p.m. since mom left and 6 years on June 6th at about 3:00 a.m. that dad left. I still see both of those days as clearly as yesterday and it still hurts. Some times in dad's case I have to smile because he was a little stubborn about leaving. He wanted me to have dinner out and he wanted spaghetti from his favorite little Italian place on Saturday evening. Monday morning was when he died. He tried so hard to make it happen and he kidded about not being able to eat anything. He even tried to have a glass of red wine. He just couldn't do it, but he did make me smile. He told me not to cry because he really wanted to go. He missed mom so much that at other times he broke my heart. Mom's passing did not go very well and my only wish is that I had been there much earlier then the day she died. I believe she was in pain and wanted to see us (her kids) before she left. It was not a pretty sight at all. Mom couldn't speak and dad was so upset because he just didn't know what to do. My brother made it down to say good-bye and the whole thing was just heart wrenching. Painful for all of us (dad, my brother and me). My sister couldn't make it. It wasn't a priority. I'm still angry about that in away. I have to let that go eventually too. Sooner or later. Anyway, now I have to deal with getting things straightened out again and I JUST want to be done with it!
I'm going to stop ranting and raving now because I feel a little better. Onward and upward to better things! (I don't know, it sounds good.)
