The End of 2010

Again, it's been awhile.  A lots happened in the past month and I'm not sure where to begin.
I finally got away from this house for a few days and I had a wonderful time.  I love the mountains and I love my best friend and I love spending time with her.  Some uncomfortable things happened but it helped me learn some things about myself.  Some things that have really made me unhappy with me.
Anyway, I have to stay focused on what's going on with me and pay attention to what's coming out of my mouth.  I am hoping that because of the discomfort I caused myself and my friend, going forward I can stay aware of what I'm doing.
The time spent away from here was really great.  We actually stayed in a beautiful bed and breakfast the last night I was there.  It was so nice and the people were just so pleasant and friendly.  Everyone.  It was a great time away.  I would love to do it again!
 Christmas was quiet and nice.  We didn't make much fuss again this year.  I couldn't pull up the Christmas spirit this year at all.  I hate the commercial side of this holiday more then anything so I really have to push it to get into it.  I didn't even do cards this year and that disappointed me.  We did get the tree up and some of the decorations on it but I forgot to take any pictures this year.  D. came up and spent a lot of the day with us and it was fun.  He's turned out to be such a nice young man.
We had our first snow storm this past week and I'm glad it's almost gone.  I hope we don't have another winter like last year!

Thanksgiving Day

It's almost the end of this holiday.  I'm tired and full of turkey dinner.  My m-i-l has the TV turned up full blast and hubby is in the living room watching TV (probably asleep, he worked so hard for today).  "The kid" made it up for dinner again this year, but he came up by himself.  He's really a nice young man.  I'm happy he turned out so well.  It rained today so we didn't go to see hounds go out to hunt.  They may not have been able to go because of the wet ground.  It's hard for the hounds to find a scent when it gets wet and the ground gets slippery for the horses.  Not a nice day to be out.
The only family members I had any contact with today were my aunt and my cousin.  It was nice to talk to them.  My dad's brother's family.  The whole family is so close and sometimes I wish we had been brought up that way.  Then I think of my dad and mom and I'd never change a thing.  This time of year is still hard for me.  Not as hard but still I really miss them soooooooo much.  Thanksgiving is not quite as bad as Christmas because once mom and dad went to Florida to live, they only made it up for the Christmas holiday.  It was so much fun!!!  I miss having them to talk to and laugh with and especially to play cards with!  After they showed us how to play Hand & Foot, that's all we did.  Almost every night!  The picture of the 4 of us around the kitchen table, dad and B. beating mom and I constantly, makes me smile.  I love them so much!

Walking and Remembering

I was going to write in here earlier but I got distracted with other things (like cleaning, etc.).  I took the dogs outside this morning and it just felt so good.  I decided to finally just go and walk and see how it would feel.  It was really great!  I felt like I had just walked out of a dark lonely place.  I was amazed how my thoughts just cleared away.  I smelled the fresh air, watched the leaves blow and listened to the birds.  There was just enough bite in the air to make you feel awake and ready to take on the world!  I was also amazed that I could really look at things with out labeling them.  That felt pretty good too.  As I walked along I started to remember days like this in the past.  I remember watching the horses at the Farm throw their heads up in the air, raise their tails and just run.  They're so beautiful!!  Someone use to say that when the air was so brisk and there was a slight breeze, it would just get under their tails and set them off.  I have those visions in my mind all of the time and I love it.  Then I started thinking about where I'm living right now and I am very, very grateful for being here.  I remember so many wonderful things that happened after I moved here from Geneseo.  (I have wonderful memories from Geneseo too.)  One of my fondest memories is the very first time I got to go foxhunting!!!  It was one of the most exhilarating experience I've ever had!!  It was a beautiful cool breezy day and we hacked to where the hounds were going to go out.  I felt as if I was dreaming.  I was riding one of the extra horses my employer owned and he was a sweetheart.  The only problem we had was the fact that he had his mouth ranked so many times that he wanted to stop as we came to the fences.  I'd been warned, but I wanted to see for myself.  That horse taught me so much about myself and horses, I will never ever forget him.  About three quarters of the way through the hunting day, Bay and I clicked and he began taking the fences the way I knew he could!  He has a lot of heart and, yes, he is very sweet.  We were out for most of the afternoon and I know that I will never hear anything as beautiful as the cry of those foxhounds, ever.  By the end of the day everyone was exhausted.  We had chased three different foxes over quite a distance, but what I soon found out was that foxes like to go in circles sometimes.  We had a couple of those.  Again, it was truly one of the most wonderful experiences I have ever had!!!!  I hope I never forget the sites and sounds of those days.  There were a few and they were all wonderful!  There's something so calming and relaxing about riding home slowly on a loose rein, knowing I would give these guys (sometimes two, sometimes three) a quick brush, rub their legs, put on light blanks and serve up a warm mash and fresh hay.  I loved them all and I feel like I am one of the luckiest people in the world.  There really isn't anything better then being around horses.  I think one of my biggest fears is loosing the memories of that part of my life that I was so lucky to have.  There are so many good memories.  I'm going to try to get as many as I can down on paper.
Well, I've put enough down for now and I started late again.  There are so many more things I wanted to put down.  Another day.

Here I am again........................

I haven't been here for awhile again.  It just seems like life gets in the way.  I've been putting off working on the horses because I'm scared of what I might do wrong.  I finally decided today that it was now time to get to work.  I've started putting gesso on my models that have been sprayed with primer.  I've decided to see how my plan will work with these 2 models I've started.  I sprayed them about 3 times, trying to keep the layers thin.  I mixed my gesso with an acrylic paint and made a very light beige that I am putting on my horses in 2 layers.  After that I am going to mix a small amount of gesso with a color close to the base color of the horse's coat.  I'm going to use 2 coats of that and then I'll start with the oils and work from there.  Now that I've made a plan I've just got to stick with it.  I'm going to try to stay with the plan and keep it simple.  I also have to paint some names on a few bells for Linda.  It won't be too difficult I hope because I told Linda I'd have them for her on Monday.  I hate when I do this to myself!  I'm too much of a perfectionist so I always wait 'til the last minute to get these things done.  Got to get over it.  I really have to let go of perfect............  I just have to do the best I can and let it go at that.
I'm so looking forward to my trip to see my bestest friend!!!!  I can't wait to get away from here to somewhere I've never been to before!!!  I'm going to leave all of this "STUFF" here and forget where I live.  It will be short but wonderful!!
I can't believe that Christmas is so close!  Thanksgiving isn't even here and everyone is ready for Christmas now!!  The marketing people of the world started advertising at Halloween and it just made me sick!  I can remember a long time ago, when we just about held our breath until Thanksgiving was over and we started seeing the advertisements for Christmas.  Toys and food and all kinds of gifts!  It was very magical and I loved it.  Now I feel like all of my elder family members who use to say that things had changed so much and they remembered when things were so much simpler, life was so much simpler.  I feel pretty old some times.  I guess that's just the way life goes.  In 20 or 30 years the kids of today will be saying the same things.  They just don't know it yet. 
Well, on another note, the store has been sold and I don't see it staying around very long.  I wish I had more business experience.  I would love to start my own grooming business.  I really think I could make it work.  I know it would work.
It's late again and M-i-L has the TV on loud so it's very hard to concentrate on writing.  I'll try again soon.
 

A Lot on my Mind

I've got a lot on my mind right now.  I haven't been able to deal with some of my responsibilities very well and I'm not handling that very well either.  I've got to make some decisions and take some action on the decisions soon.  I'm not sure why I can't pull myself out of the depression I'm in but it's a battle that is wearing me out.  I just want to be finished with managing what happens to mom and dad's house.  I don't want to worry about what's going to happen next with Mr. A.H. and his threats.  I don't want to know what my sister wants to do about moving to Florida.  I don't want to pay any more bills for some place that I'm not in the least bit interested in visiting any longer. 

"No ONE Loved You MORE"

Things have been rough this week.  I'm behind on everything and fixated on getting down to Florida to clean out mom and dad's place.  This is not something I look forward to, but something I feel I just have to do.  I think it may be a little over the top, though.  I don't really need those "things" to remember my parents and I know that.  I wonder if it's just so my sister won't have them........  I've tried to understand my sister for a long time.  I wish I could find out what I did or said to make her feel the way she does about me.  Of course, it may not be me at all.  It may be just the way she is.  She was definitely brought up very differently then I was (yea right).  Anyway, now as I think about it, it's more that I just want to see the place one more time and say "good-bye" and let it all go.  T. can have all the things if she wants them.  I want her to have the whole place to herself.  She can pay the bills and fight with the jerk who owns the park or she can sell the house and keep the money.  I just want out of all of it!!!  This would be one less stress in my life.
I came across an article that I pulled out of a magazine back in 1993.  It's just 2 pages but it really hits home.  It seems to validate my feelings (which for some reason I always seem to need) at having lost both of my parents.  It will be 10 years on January 13th at about 5:00 p.m. since mom left and 6 years on June 6th at about 3:00 a.m. that dad left.  I still see both of those days as clearly as yesterday and it still hurts.  Some times in dad's case I have to smile because he was a little stubborn about leaving.  He wanted me to have dinner out and he wanted spaghetti from his favorite little Italian place on Saturday evening.  Monday morning was when he died.  He tried so hard to make it happen and he kidded about not being able to eat anything.  He even tried to have a glass of red wine.  He just couldn't do it, but he did make me smile.  He told me not to cry because he really wanted to go.  He missed mom so much that at other times he broke my heart.  Mom's passing did not go very well and my only wish is that I had been there much earlier then the day she died.  I believe she was in pain and wanted to see us (her kids) before she left.  It was not a pretty sight at all.  Mom couldn't speak and dad was so upset because he just didn't know what to do.  My brother made it down to say good-bye and the whole thing was just heart wrenching.  Painful for all of us (dad, my brother and me).  My sister couldn't make it.  It wasn't a priority.  I'm still angry about that in away.  I have to let that go eventually too.  Sooner or later.  Anyway, now I have to deal with getting things straightened out again and I JUST want to be done with it!
I'm going to stop ranting and raving now because I feel a little better.  Onward and upward to better things! (I don't know, it sounds good.)

Depression & Loneliness

I've been thinking a lot about things in general in my life and it's making me a little down.  Right now I'm fighting depression everyday and it's wearing me out.  I don't have anyone to talk to right now because my therapist is leaving the area and she's only here one day a week.  Being in this house has taken a real toll on me.  Of course loosing my mom and dad hasn't made things any easier.  I feel sick all of the time.  There's always something wrong and sometimes I feel like this the way the rest of my life is going to be.  I am going to try and walk as much as possible and see if that doesn't help.  It's just that I have to talk myself into doing that for me.  The other thing is that I have to let go of the feeling that I have to do something around this house.  I don't!  I really don't give a s**t about this house!  There's too much stuff in here and no one but me seems to want to do anything about it.  My mother-in-law sits on her ass in the family room waiting to die.  She doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself and she CAN'T do anything.  But I digress.......
Today I'm going to work on my horses and enjoy myself immensely and after I've done that I'll feel better.  Suddenly I'm very tired.  This is another thing that happens to me all of the time.  I just get really sleepy and my eyes start closing on their own.  It's very annoying.  My focus is slowly disappearing and I'm being distracted by everything.  I didn't mean to start writing about my depression but it just came out.  Maybe that's a good thing.  (I wish she would just shut up and not talk to me!)
I'm going to have to learn how to put some pictures on my blog because I love to take them.  Especially of my two.  Thank God for my dogs and just dogs in general!!!  I'd have lost my mind by now if I didn't have these two to keep me straight!
Halloween is just a couple of days away and I have very mixed feelings about it.  It's probably my least favorite holiday of all and yet the kids just love to get the candy.  I love some of the costumes too.  I guess the reason I don't really like it is that it seems to be getting to be a bigger holiday every year.  I just don't like it all that much.
Back to my horses.  I've got two to paint and I'm going to start them today.  I haven't really decided on the colors yet.  I think one of them is going to be a chestnut and the other a dark bay.  We'll see.  My little palomino turned out OK and he was fun to work on so I think the larger horses will be a lot more fun.  Hopefully I'll be able to post some pics soon.
Well, gotta' go to work!

Well my horses are still sitting quietly without any work done to them.  I was afraid this would happen to me.  I am afraid of making mistakes so I haven't been able to do anything.  I keep finding pictures and saving them but as far as trying anything I just haven't done it.  I've got 2 horses ready to paint and I can't decide what color I want to make them.  I have 3 or 4 other horses I want to start on but I am not going to do anything until I finish the 2 horses on the table.  I'm sticking to that.  Why is it so difficult to get over my fear of making mistakes?!  I'm going to keep working on it. 
I finally got up the nerve to call my brother and it was so worth it.  I love talking to him and he sounds so good.  I'm so happy he's happy now.  He's a real dad and I think he's really enjoying it.  He is so blessed.  A beautiful wife, 2 beautiful kids, and wonderful in-laws.  I'm so happy for him.

News Updates

 Again it's been awhile since I made any entries on my blog.  I had to have another procedure to find out what's going on with my heart.  My heart is in GREAT shape!!!!  I was so happy to hear Dr. B. say that in my ear while I was on the table.  It was amazing!!!  I told him I knew I was making myself sick and now I know I'm doing it to myself.  I've got to get myself straightened out.  I think I'm finally done with the little palomino that I was practicing on.  I like it but I think it's going to be a little different when I work on one of the larger models.  It is a lot of fun and I think I may even try painting on canvas again.  Still working on the pictures of my horse projects.  I may give the pictures a try this evening.  I've got to rig up a box or something to put the horses in to photograph them.  It shouldn't be to difficult to come up with something.  Then I have to figure out how to get the pics to the blog.  I've really got to get myself educated on using this thing(?).  I never get completely familiar with these programs when I start using them.  

Finally!!!! Work on My First Horse!

I can't believe it!!!  I finally went out to the mudroom and sat down and pulled out the oil paints and I painted!!  It felt so good to finally bite the bullet and do just what I've wanted to do.  I'm so glad I did it!  I had so much fun painting that horse!!!!  The horse is a practice horse but I think it turned out OK.  It's a palomino with 4 white stockings and a white blaze.  It just felt so good do something, finally.  As soon as I can, I'm going to take some pictures and get them up here so that I can see the improvements that I'm going to make as I go along.  I'm going to work on one of the 2 cantering horses that I've done some customizing on.  I have a few more layers of primer on those horses and find some horses to use as models.  I didn't have a really good model for my palomino so I've done some improvising.  I think he turned out pretty good.  I have a few more things to do on him and I just have to try not to over work him.

Slow Progress on the Horses

I'm very frustrated right now!  I'm really making myself crazy and I don't know why!!  I keep looking at the horses and I keep walking away saying I'll do it tomorrow.  I'm really scared of making mistakes and I can't seem to get over the problem.  I did start to prime the the 2 horses I've been making little changes on.  I'm priming both of them with white primer and it's going to take several coats to cover them completely.  I haven't been able to work on them because of the wind blowing too hard the past couple of days.  I hope that changes tomorrow!  I just have finish priming the horses and get the paints out.  I just haven't been able to do that.  I have to say when I do work it's a lot of fun.  
On another note, this past weekend was the Groom Expo in Hershey and I did go this year.  I wish I were working again!  I really miss working with the dogs and learning so much new stuff.  The dogs have taught me so much patience and so much more understanding of them.  I would just love to be volunteering somewhere, ASPCA is one of the places I'd like to work doing whatever they needed.  I'll do that someday.  When I watch Animal Planet I just can't believe what people can do to animals and not feel any remorse.  Anyway, even though Barry went with me, I had a good time.  I looked at almost anything and I got the dryer I've been looking for.  We got there in time to see Irina win with Casey and we found Kathy and Diana, her niece.  I really enjoyed watching the Creative Grooming competition.  So far I've seen 2 of them live and none of the dogs I picked placed at all.  I really loved the little dinosaur/Bijon and the Pupweiser team.  Just amazing!  The deer was just adorable too.  None of them got anything.  I think there must be a little favoritism and/or politics working in these competitions.  Well, it was fun to watch them do their presentations after the grooming.  Some of them are just amazing!  A lot of imagination and planning, not to mention the amount of work involved in the grooming!  Very impressive!  The only thing I really missed was going to some of the seminars that were offered.  Next year I'm going to go to at least 3.  I really want to learn more about what I love to do.
 

I haven't decided what to title this posting.  Probably just 9/11.  It's a strange feeling because I can remember the day very clearly.  It was a Tuesday and I had a dentist appointment in the morning and I was going to work after.  I got to work a few minutes after 9 a.m.  and someone yelled for me to turn on my radio.  We couldn't believe it!!!!!!  This was something that no one in their wildest dreams would have thought would ever happen!!!!!!  It is to this day, one of the most horrendous, saddest days of America's existence!  The innocent people that paid the price for being Americans and the families that suffered then and are still suffering now is incomprehensible to me!  I can't even imagine the pain.........  At work, someone came in and told us we could watch what was happening in New York, on a TV in one of the conference rooms.  We watched in silent disbelief as the 2 tallest buildings in our nation just crumbled in clouds of dust!  At that moment I believe that possibly everyone in the country felt as if they had just been punched in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of them.  It was terrible.  I wonder how many people across the country were personally touched by that terrible tragedy?  I know one of the guys I worked with had been on the phone with a friend in the first tower when it was hit.............  He (my co-worker) was suppose to be in his friend's wedding on the coming weekend.  They were discussing the arrangements and the phone went dead.  As he walked by the office, his face was pale and blank.  He was still holding his phone open.   

Another Long Stretch of Silence..........

Again, I've put off adding anything to this blog.  I'm stuck not doing anything to my horses because of fear.  I wish I knew why.  They will never be perfect but I think they'll be OK.  I know I should just relax and enjoy the process because I know it's going to be fun.  I just have to relax!  I walk out to the mudroom and look at the horses and plan what I'm going to next.  Then I walk away and I don't go back.  At least not for a while.  I just feel like once I start working on something I'll have to stop and for some reason I think I've got to keep going.  Like it's all or nothing and I won't finish whatever I'm doing if I don't finish it immediately!!!
Anyway, there's so much going on in my head right now.  I'm tired all of the time and I can't seem to get myself moving to do anything.  I think it's because there are just too many things that have to be done here.  I also use that reasoning to avoid working on my horses.  I still haven't figured out how to get my pictures on here either.  Of course, it doesn't help that I'm sitting in front of the TV watching one of my favorite shows and trying to write (type) anything.  I have to say though, that this is easier then writing in my journal.  I'll try to get back to this tomorrow.

Back to My Horses

I haven't worked on my horses recently because it's too hot in the mud room.  I'm going out today because I'm dying to finish the little horse!  When I was out this past weekend, I found a primer in white that you can sand but it isn't Krylon.  Since it's you can sand it I'm going to try it anyway.  The resins that I bought are all ready to prime and I can't wait to start on one of them.  I'm a little concerned about the little horse and the pastels because I'm not sure if I'm putting enough color layers on him.  I guess if he's starting to look like a palomino I'm getting enough color on him.  I'm such a chicken when it comes to trying something new!  I think I mentioned that before.  I am going to start taking pictures because I want to see how I'm doing.  I don't care if anyone else sees it.  B is trying to be supportive but I know it frustrates him (a lot).  I've got to try and set up a schedule to work on the horses and I want to try oil painting them.  As a matter of fact, I'm waiting for new 
oil paints that I ordered from Jerry's Artarama.  That's another thing I'm looking forward to.  I think since I'm going to have the afternoon partly by myself, I'm going to work on some of my other horses.  It's great to have so many to work on!

Horses, Horses, Horses

Well, I haven't been here recently, BUT I have been working on my horses and I'm starting with pastels to see how they work out.  It's pretty cool.  I have to be patient and that's difficult.  I have a lot of problems with the ADD and focusing on one thing for very long.  It's getting worse too.  The nice thing about this hobby though, is that I can be working on a bunch of horses at the same time.  I'm still going to try the oil painting because I love to paint, but I think I'm going to try them on one of the smaller horses before I work on one of the better ones.  I also got some new primer in white and I found out it's not as hard as I thought it would be to use.  I should know by now that it's really important to at least try new things once in a while.  I've always had a hard time trying new things because of my fear of not being able to do them perfectly.  You can really miss some great things acting like that!

Starting One of My Horses

Well, I've finally started one of the horses!  I changed my mind about starting on one of the Traditional ponies I was working on and picked up one of the smaller horses.  I have 2 of these in-between size horses and I decided to use one of them.  Since the only thing I'm planning on doing is learning how to color these horses I'm going to start small.  I put a base coat of Gesso mixed with acrylic paint.  I put probably 6 coats of this mix on the horse.  It's a lightly tinted color.  I let the base coat dry and then I used some thing that I found in one of the JAH magazines I bought.  When I read the article about using pastels I found out that the person who wrote the article used shaved pastel to color her horses.  I had tried to do it the way I had seen it done on the DVD but it didn't seem to work for me.  When I tried it by shaving the pastel it worked out pretty well.  I will have to do a few more layers, but I'm really excited about this.  Now I just have to be patient with myself.  I hope this works for me.  We'll see.

A Real Beginning This Time!

I finally did something!  I mean something with my new hobby!  I actually started to paint one of my horses.  It's one of my smaller horses, because I decided I would practice on it before I work on one of my Traditional horses.  I feel a little more comfortable doing that.  I didn't prime this model because I haven't changed anything on it.  You know, move anything or sand anything etc......  I have started the base coat and so far I've put 4 layers on it.  It's really starting to smooth out and I'll put the last coat on and finish the tail.  Probably tomorrow.  I should have done it tonight but I got stuck on the computer playing a game.  It's one of my perfect escapes.  I just play until it knocks me off.  I will work on my horse tomorrow, but I'll have to mix the colors that I want to use, ahead of time.  I'm working from an inexpensive set of oils that I picked up awhile ago.  It's going to be a real challenge but if I'm patient I should be able to pull it off.  If I like it I'm going to order the correct colors.  I'm excited about even starting this!  I'm such a chicken s@#$%t!  I'm going to do this because I know that I can.  I do really enjoy doing these things and I'm going to try and do some sketching again.  I looked at some of the work I use to do and it's better then the stuff I've done lately.  I don't know why I stopped sketching?  I don't remember when or why I stopped and I wish I hadn't.  Oh well, I just have to start all over again.  It won't be that difficult I know.

Progress Report (not happening)

Thought I'd try something different today.  A change in color.  It's late in the afternoon again and I have not worked on my horses again.  I picked up some reference material and read over it but I'm petrified of even starting.  I was all fired up about it and suddenly I can't go near the table.  It's very depressing and difficult to work through, but I'm going to keep trying.  I haven't picked up any of my drawing pads either and I'm not real happy about that.  I find myself doing anything else I can think of to avoid working on the things I'd most like to do!  It just doesn't make any sense. I'm also still trying to figure out how to get my pictures on my blog.  I'd like to take pictures as I work (ha!)so I can see how my projects progress.  I'm going to make that one of my projects too.  I couldn't find this the other day so I'll up date next time.

Wow! It's Been a Long Time!!!

I hadn't realized how long it's really been and since I was here last.  I was so sure that I'd be able to keep writing but every time I get ready to start something comes up.  Well, here goes again.  I've been trying to get over some back sliding in my life and I've been working on building up my belief in myself.  I've tried so many things in my life and the only thing I know I'm good at is my art.  The big problem with that is that I just don't believe in myself enough.  I am my own worst enemy and I want to stop it now.  I guess I wrote in one of the other entries about my new interest.  It's customizing Breyer and Stone horses.  I found out about it by accident while I was searching for something online.  I have a lot of horses now and I'm just starting to learn how to do the customizing.  It's really exciting and I can't wait to get one of my herd done.  I have a dozen or so in different states of disrepair right now.  I've slowed down a lot because I'm starting to doubt myself again.  I really just have to go forward and make my mistakes and learn.  I'm such a perfectionist!!!  What a pain.  It can really slow up progress.  As soon as I figure out how to get some pictures up, I'll take some of my work going forward.  I'd like to keep track of the work anyway.  I'm hoping I can get my inspiration back again.  I'll have to keep writing and I might be able to inspire myself.

Present Day Ramblings

I'm not sure what I should title this.  I still haven't bathed the dogs and tried the dryer technique to fluff the kids.  I have started working on my newest interest and I'm really enjoying it.  I just love working with my hands!  I'm hesitating as usual because I'm such a chicken and a perfectionist!  I now have way too many horses (but I love to look at them) and I've put most of them in boxes in the basement.  I'm really fascinated by the processes used to customize these "toys" and make them into beautiful models.  I have so many memories of my first Breyer models.  They took me to so many fantastic places!!!  When I think about the places and the adventures I think about kids now.  They seem to loose the ability to go on those adventures very quickly.  It's sad.  Anyway, I've got almost everything I need to work on these horses and I've started fixing some of them.  Sort of correcting some of the defects in the Breyers.  I really can't believe how poorly some of the horses are put together.  Then again, I've bought some really beautiful Breyerfest horses..... I've got to figure out how to get some pictures before I start working on the rejects.  I'm also waiting to get a couple of things that I hope will make this a little easier to do.  I've read all of the information I've received and everyone has a different way to get the same results, so I have a lot of things to try.  I'm a little anxious and a little excited about this new hobby!  I've also just made my first bridle (Trad. snaffle) and I really enjoyed it.  I've got a Classic size snaffle bridle to make yet but I'm a little hesitant to do it yet.  I still have to put the reins on my larger bridle.
I'm beginning to ramble so I'm going to stop now while I'm still making sense to me.

More on Gabey

Well, I managed to pull myself out of my funk and went to work on Gabe.  I've really got to make a stronger effort to keep him brushed.  He's got a thick heavy coat and it just knots up.
I managed to get some of his coat cut with my clippers but I had to use the shears to take a lot of hair off.  What a mess!  I did shorten his ears and he really looks cute!  I'm going to bathe him tomorrow and see if blowing him dry makes a difference.  I'm going to try it on Molly too.  It should be interesting and it should keep me very busy.  It will be a good day if I can get them both done. 

A Long-time Away from My Blog!

It's been a looooong time.  I don't think I've been back here since January.  Maybe a little later then that but it's been awhile!  A lot of things are going on right now.  Some good, some not so good.  (I'm having a little trouble concentrating, I have the TV on.)  I've fallen into this mood, consciousness thing.  I can't seem to pull myself out of it (or I don't want to) and I'm pretty sure what's causing most of it.  I'm hating myself and my environment.  I don't hate too many things but I hate living here right now!  Barry can't seem to understand how unhappy I really am.  I have no ambition to do anything around here and it's just getting worse.  Except for the fact that I don't like the changes in the neighborhood in Newark, I miss the house down there a lot!  It was our home and I my things to look at and to enjoy.  I could have people in to visit, we had our holidays with family.  I have a lot of good memories from living in that house.  Barry and I seemed to have a life.  I love Barry but I can't seem to get him to understand anything anymore.  Sometimes I feel so alone in this house.  I think because of that I've been spending way too much money on my new toys.  I just spent more today and I should feel guilty but I'm not.  I also spend all of my time in front of the TV and the computer.  I'm not to happy about that either.
Ok, enough of that crap.  I have a new hobby.  At least that's what I want to call it now.  I found all of these people on line that remake model horses and it's wonderful!  I just love it and I'm going to try it myself.  That's what I've been spending the money on.  I've got too many now so I really have to stop.  The ones I've been buying now are models to paint and tack to buy.  The tack is also wonderful!  So far I've only made a bridle for the traditional size models but I really love doing it!  Some of the horses I've bought are just beautiful and I won't touch them.  I've also bought some really rough models to practice on.  I've got to get a few things to start painting but I'm pretty much ready to go.  I want to set up a way to keep track of what I'm doing, so for right now I'll just write what's going on.  I make myself crazy though, because I always hesitate to start things because I know I'll make mistakes.  Who cares!!!!!!?
Right now I'm going to take my little tubby wubby Gabe out and clip his hair off.  He's a mess again.

A New Interest and It's Been a Very Long Time!

Another Long Spell between Posts

It's been another long break between writings.  My mood swings are too much for me sometimes.  I've made some decisions to help myself out a little.  At least I hope these ideas will help me.  Because of my life style right now I've been pretty low.  I've found another hobby that may help if I can stick with it.  I'm very excited about this new project because it involves things that I love.  Here's the plan:  I have spent a lot of money on collecting model horses again.  Some of them because I love horses and I don't have a live one now and because I found out that there are a lot of people out there that reposition and repaint them.  They also make realistic tack for these horses.  I'm so impressed!!!  I want to try all of this.  I've already started working on some of my models.  Some of the models I bought just for the new hobby!!  Now it's just a matter of making the time and I'm going to do that!  I'm also going to get my room straightened up (no matter what)!  I'm going to try to post some pictures of my on going struggle with the room and my work with the models.  I'm very excited about doing this!  The room is a whole other story altogether.  I'll keep trying.

It's Been Awhile............

I guess I've been avoiding writing after the last time I wrote here.  I think I started writing about death and dying.  I don't know exactly what's going on with me lately.  I'm very distracted no matter what I'm doing.  It worries me a little.  I just read the comment from my favorite person.  She's right about me being hard on myself.  I don't know how to be any other way.  Being a perfectionist sucks!!!  OK, I'm not going to keep complaining.
I have to admit it's been a lot of fun the past week or so because I've been receiving boxes almost everyday!  I have about 8 or 9 more coming and I can't wait!  I got 4 horses and some sculpting tools today!  I can't wait to get started on my horses and making the tack for the horses!  One of the horses I received today is just beautiful!  Horses are the most beautiful animals on earth!!  I can't believe all of the horses I ordered and the amount of money I spent.  Of course, it isn't even close to what Barry has spent on the house and Darrell so I guess we'll survive.  I'm not trying to get even, I'm just trying to find something to make me smile in this life I've chosen.  It would be a lot easier to leave if I didn't love Barry so much.  Oh well, back to my new horses!  I bought myself some of the Peter Stone horses and the one I just got the other day is just beautiful!!  I'm just going to pretend I'm 9 or 10 years old again and enjoy myself.  I may be able to regain some of the inspiration I had back then.  We'll see. 

Just Some Random Thoughts

In January I turned 61 years old.  That's not such a big thing, at least not to anyone else.  I guess it wouldn't be all that important to me, except that I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by and it makes me feel sad.  I wonder sometimes where my life would have taken me if I hadn't walked into Longwood Gardens on that day back in 1992.  I don't really regret that day because I do love my husband.  I've had an interesting life since we got together.  Experiences that I sometimes wish I'd never had.  Working 10 years at the credit card company being one of them.  I know that I've learned a lot about myself through that experience but it took a large toll on my mental and physical self.  I learned that I give too much to other people in the hopes that they will like me and make me part of their group of friends.  I also come across as being needy,  that I need someone to help me all of the time.  I really do not want to do that for the rest of my life!  Speaking of the rest of my life, I joined AARP awhile ago.  I'm not sure why I joined except that the literature they sent out said that being a member could get you some discounts.  I also receive their monthly magazine.  Normally I don't read much in the magazine, but I sat down this morning and read some very disturbing articles.  Suddenly at 61 I'm feeling very vulnerable, angry and unhappy.  Everyday, it seems, people are being pulled out of their homes because of foreclosure due to lose of all of their savings.  It seems the government (Medicare, Medicaid) have not kept up with the cost of living and medical care.  In reality there are so many people in my age bracket living at poverty level now and being treated as if they can still pay for what they need.....it's ridiculous!!!  I don't want to be in that situation, EVER!  It also makes me worry about my hubby.  I don't want us to be part of that group.  What happens when we don't have insurance to help cover our medical expenses?  Maybe it's time to write some letters to some of our representatives in the government.  That brings up the subject of dying.  At least for me, right now.  I'm not going into it.  This is a subject that I think about more often now.  Mostly because of my parents.  It's not overly depressing but I think writing about my feelings will help me a lot.

I'm An Aunt Again!

I had to call my brother this morning just because I had to.  I just had this feeling that I had to call and see how Laura was doing and when they were expecting he/she.  I finally called at about 10:00 a.m. and Greg sounded terrible!!!  The first thing he said after I growled at him about not calling me was She's here!  She was born last night or this morning early and she still hasn't been given a name yet(at least I haven't heard).  She was full-term and weighed 7 lbs 14 ozs.  Bigger then Alex, who was singing about being a new big sister.  I just love them all and I wish mom and dad were here to see all of them.  Mom would have so enjoyed these grandkids and Greg's family.

Snowed In!!!!

WOW!!!  This is just like when I was a kid!!!  We use to have so much snow at this time of year and now we've finally had one of those storms.  Actually, two storms, one right after the other.  As an adult I have a lot of mixed feelings, but as a child I couldn't wait for this kind of weather.  I have some great pictures of some of our winter experiences.  I have to admit it is truly beautiful to see!  As an adult, however, as I watched the snow build up and listen to the reports, I thought about the street people in the cities, the stray dogs and cats, and the elderly people living alone.  It made me sad that as a nation, we can't help.  I know that there are always people trying to help, but they don't have help most of the time.  Anyway, I thank God that I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food.

New Thoughts

It's another Monday and it's raining.  I halfheartedly tried to get myself into cleaning the room again.  So far it hasn't worked.  
I received 2 of the new horses I ordered last week and I love them.  I'm not sure exactly where I'm going to put them right now but they're going to find a home in the room.  Just so I can look at them and hold them.  If I can't have the real thing I guess this will do.  I've never felt funny about having toys and I think it's because I just really didn't want to give my childhood up.
I remember as a child, the wonderful stories I could make up in my head about owning my own horses and riding in the Olympics or riding in a race and winning.  I loved to watch the horse movies.  I loved to play with my horses.  I remember the first Breyer horse.  It was the Lone Ranger's horse, Silver.  He came with a saddle and reins and he stood perfectly square
with his neck arched.  He was beautiful!!!!  From there I went to the Arabian horse family and loved to make up stories for the baby.  I did get more horses through time and tried to hang on to the stories along with the horses.  It didn't work.  Why can't we keep those memories of the wonderful fantasies and stories from our childhood?  
I didn't spend a lot of time in front of the TV or in the house just hanging out.  We didn't have computers or electronic toys but we did have our imaginations and the out doors.  I guess I was pretty lucky.  Mom was home all of the time (she's said she didn't spend a lot of time entertaining us).  I don't remember.  I remember her cleaning and sewing and cooking and spending time with her friend down the street from us.  I have so many happy memories.  It's interesting.  One of my biggest fears is loosing the memories I have of my childhood.  They're very spotty and I expected that because of the accident I had many years ago.  Now at 61, I'm afraid of a stroke or alzheimers.  I have very little memory of a lot of things right after the release from the hospital.  I know I went for lots of therapy and carried around a 50 pound cast for a couple of weeks.  I remember having my picture taken in the lawyer's office because of the suit my father started.  I had to have them done because I was pretty banged up.  My teeth were broken and my face was black and blue.
I guess I'm just rambling right now.  I'll stop for now and try to collect my thoughts. 

Another Monday in Front of the Computer & TV

Well, I'm in front of the TV again with my computer right in front of me, trying to compose my thoughts.  That's about as easy as cleaning up my room.   As I'm sitting here watching "Hoarders" I'm thinking about all of the things I can't seem to give up.  It's amazing how "Stuff" can take over your life.  

Things I've noticed.

One of the things I've noticed about me is the fact that I make these promises to............  I'm not sure who I'm making them to actually.  I guess myself, the powers around me, God, the dogs, who knows.  I usually don't make them out loud (I am doing that more lately,though).  I guess the reason this has come up for me is that I walked over and emptied the coffee grounds from our coffee this morning.  Now that's not like saving the world or being cured of a rare deadly disease, but a several months ago I was having trouble walking around.  That was due to the surgery I had to have a second time.  Anyway, my promise (to whomever) was that I would appreciate just being able to do things again without having to hurt all of the time.  I try to keep this in mind as much as possible but I'm only human.  Good excuse?  My best friend and the person I feel closer to then my own family, just wrote the most beautiful, entertaining, funny, explanation of what she goes through what it's like (for her) to have Lupus.  It is by far one of the best explanations of having an illness with no cure, that I have ever read.  I actually think she should send it off to some of the magazines or TV talk shows like Oprah or Dr. Oz.  One of those.  I wonder how she would feel if I just did it.  I guess I should really ask her first.  I think it would be something she might like to tell the world about because it would be a great segway into the one of the problems with health care.  Hmmmmmmmm.  It's a thought.

Long days, Past and Present

I haven't been back here for awhile, mostly because I just don't know what to write sometimes. A lot of past has been coming up for me and some of it is a little painful. My mother pasted away 10 years ago yesterday and it's been a problem ever sense. I guess we just never listen to or believe those things people say or the things you read about how much you'll miss someone you love when they are gone. Only because we can't imagine those we love so much will be gone someday. The finality of the leaving amazes me sometimes. All I know is that I want to believe that mom and dad and all of the dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, and guinea pigs, that we have loved are all going to be at the Rainbow Bridge.
I'm sitting here feeling just a little confined. I've been doing this for weeks, especially since my foot has begun to heal and is easier to walk on. I have no ambition to do anything right now and I sometimes feel guilty about it. Thank goodness I have the kids. They really are the only ones that keep me going right now and that's one of the reasons I love them and keep them around me as much as possible.
I really hate feeling sorry for myself! It's such a waste of time and energy!!! I have so many gifts from God that I don't use! There is time to do so much and I know that I will regret not doing any of those things. Now is the time to do what I love.