Another Long Absense

Here I am again and it has been a long time.  Things have not changed much since my last post and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
There is so much to do around this house since G. is gone and it's really weighing us down.  We both walk around the rooms and just look at the "things" we have to make decisions about.  All of the papers to go through and get rid of, etc, etc, etc,.........................  I am not allowing myself to work on any of my projects until I get rid of some "stuff".  Of course that's a really stupid thing to do because it would make me feel a lot better if I did work on some of my projects.  I have a horse to paint and it's been standing, ready, for a couple of months now.  I think I'm afraid I'm going to enjoy this new hobby too much or that I'll actually be good at it.  I just feel like I'm wasting a lot of valuable time and I have to stop.  Maybe I should lighten up a little bit.

People Who Come Into Your Life

It's been awhile, again.  I've been thinking about things I haven't thought about for some time.  One of those things is how interesting it is how people come quietly into your life and make a lasting impression.  Most of the people I know or have known don't particularly appreciate the monthly visits from the folks representing the Jehovahs Witness.  But a couple of years ago a lady showed up at Gloria's door and talked to her about the Jehovahs Witness beliefs.  Of course, Gloria didn't know how to just "get rid" of her and probably didn't really try.  So when I came home (from where ever I was at the time) Gloria told me all about this woman.  A short black lady all dressed up (even a hat) and another well dressed person bringing all of this information about the Bible, etc.......  Her name is Betty and she is very sweet.  I ask Gloria if she had told her (Betty) that she wasn't interested and she said she had mentioned it.  Anyway, to make a long story short, since I answered the door one day, she and her husband (Sylvester) have been showing up once a month.  I could just turn her away because she's the kind of person that you just want to hug.  She has this wonderful attitude about her religion and people in general and I expect she smiles no matter what.  Betty and Sylvester showed up the week after Gloria died and Barry was outside and told them what happened.  Betty must have caught him at the door.  I went out to find him and was surprised by them, especially because  Barry doesn't usually like to talk to "those" people.  Betty was upset and I immediately got a big hug.  That's when I got to meet Sylvester (he usually doesn't get out of the car).  They went out to see Gloria when she was in the rehab residence and spent an hour or so with her and couldn't believe that she was gone.  Anyway, I was really surprised when Betty showed 2 evenings later with beautiful tulips in a glass container.  I've told her since (the last time she stopped by) that I'm going to plant the bulbs at the grave site she seemed to think that was a wonderful idea.  I like Betty a lot and I will see her once a month because she said she would continue to visit and read me the current bible verse of the month.  Comfort from a strange.  What a novel idea.
So this is the story of a stranger quietly stepping into your life and leaving a nice mark on your heart.  Thank you Betty.

Thinking About the Past

I haven't posted for awhile because I think of things and then I don't take time to put them here.  Or I just don't make time.  Today is one of those days that some nice memories of my past have come back.  I bought myself a CD while I was visiting a friend, The Best of Peter, Paul & Mary.  It is one of my most favorite CDs ever!  I know that Mary is gone and I'm not sure if both of the guys are still alive but they were a big part of my life a long time ago.  I don't know if anyone other then someone my age that's into folk music would know what a coffeehouse was.  I mean this is way, way before Starbucks.  These places were small cozy little (I hate to say it) smoke filled spots where most of the people that gathered there were people who were or wanted to be musicians, writers, painters, poets, philosophers, etc.............  They seem to be one step outside the circle of what was considered "normal".  The coffeehouse also had some sort of live music or poetry reading from someone who had something to say.  The songs and poetry were usually written about how these people saw the world and the sorry situations we had to deal with.  I'm sure these people are still writing about the same things, only in the present.   Sorry I got a little side tracked.  It turns out there was a small coffeehouse in the basement of one of the churches in downtown Harrisburg.  I'm getting ahead of myself but my first visit told me I would really love to be in this type of life.  My introduction to this place came through the sister of one of my boyfriends.  Sue was 2 or 3 years older then me but we enjoyed a lot of the same things.  We started talking a lot and spending time together and one day she told me about the coffeehouse in town (Harrisburg) and ask if I wanted to go.  I couldn't wait!   The place was open on Friday and Saturday evenings from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. and there was no alcohol allowed.  Needless to say, mom and dad were a little apprehensive about us going downtown at night.  Sue had her drivers license and we promised to be home by 11:00.  It was the best thing I had ever done!  There was a single guitarist playing and the music was just wonderful.  We really enjoyed it and didn't stop talking about it for a week!  It was one of the best times in my life!  We ended up going a couple of times a month for about a year then the Beatles happened and Sue went crazy!  She wasn't very interested in folk music anymore and we stopped going to the coffeehouse.  It didn't take long for me to get into the Beatles but it was never anything like Sue.  We did a lot more things together, including going to see the Beatles in Atlantic City and the Rolling Stones in Harrisburg.  Then Sue went to college and we (my family) moved away from Marysville and Sue and I lost touch.  It's funny how a couple of songs will bring back so many memories.  I haven't thought about Sue in a very, very long time.  I hope she's healthy and happy and has had a wonderful life.  It always amazes me how many people we've known go by the wayside.  I guess you never really forget them if they've touched your life in some way.
It's a very dreary day and this is a nice memory.  Sometimes it's fun to go back.

My Thoughts on This New Chapter

This is hard.  I haven't been able to focus on the things that need to be done around here since G. died.  I have been trying to make things a little easier by picking one spot to work in, but it's hard to do.  There are so many things that have to be taken care of and no matter where you start there's always something that pulls you in another direction.  I hope I can get rid of my own stuff so that no one will have to do this, sorting through things to make sure there isn't something important in them.  Every drawer, every closet, every place you turn there is something else to pull out and sort through and decide where it should go.  I wish it were a little easier.  I suppose the dramatic break in my routine may be part of my problem.  The house is quiet 24/7 now and I'm still not quite use to it.  The freedom that G.'s passing has given me is something I really didn't expect for a long time and adjusting isn't coming as quickly as I had hoped.  I thought at first I would feel guilty about feeling relieved but I don't and that makes me very happy.  Now I'd just like to stop procrastinating about everything and just do something.  I have so many things that I love to do and so many things I've started.  I keep trying to find whatever it is in creative people that gives them the single-mindedness to do what they're good at. 
I've started rambling because I have things I have to do now and I can't get to the things I wanted to put down.

Final Closing

Today was the funeral for my mother-in-law and it turned out to be a very nice day.  Quite a few people showed up and of course we saw members of the family we haven't seen in a long time.  It's always the same thing.  People don't get together for anything else anymore.  I guess weddings and graduations qualify for that too.  It's sad commentary on our lives that we don't have time to talk anymore.  We all run off to do whatever, where ever, when ever and take no time for family.  Anyway, things will begin to come together now and we'll get all of the paperwork and "stuff" cleaned up around here.  It's a new beginning and we have a lot of things to think about.  We are going to try and make this our home now I guess.  A lot depends on what happens with the taxes and other things.  The lawyer says it takes about a year to get everything settled.  It seems like a long time but it isn't really.  It will pass quickly.
Life goes on...................................

Another Chapter Ending

We've had a very rough day, today.  We got a phone call from the nursing home rehab residence, at about 2:20 a.m., that my mother-in-law had to be taken to the local hospital's emergency room.  We'd been warned on Sunday, by the nurse on duty, that it's what happens when one of their patients has a serious medical problem.  In this case G. couldn't get her breath and the para-medics were called to get her to the emergency room.  They tried everything to bring her back on the way to the hospital but I believe she was gone before she even reached the ER.  We got to the hospital and were about to get out of the truck and B's phone rang and it was the nurse in the ER calling to tell us that G. was gone.  B. told him where we were and that we would be right in.  It took both of us a couple of minutes to get over the shock and then we went inside.  The ER doctor came out to talk to us and explained that she believed G. went into cardiac arrest and that was it.  I have to agree with the doctor.  I really believe that her heart was just plain worn out.  I think it was like a domino effect.  Once you go into the hospital and they fix one thing, it sets something else off and then it just keeps going.  I'm glad that she didn't have to go into the hospital to die and I'm glad it was quick.  If I have to go naturally that's exactly how I want to go.  I think initially it's all very surreal because you just can't get your mind to accept it.  We went into the ER and saw G. and then thanked everyone and left.  B. kept saying 'I just don't believe it.' and I just shook my head.  No matter what, you're never ever ready or prepared for that phone call.  I'm keeping an eye on B. because I'm worried about him.  He's a little overwhelmed right now and he's over tired too.  At this point all I can do is be there for him and let him do what he has to do as long as it isn't self destructive.  I only worry when he gets quiet.  Then I just watch him closely.  I love him so much but he's going to have to get through a lot of this on his own.  I think he'll be OK.  He knows I'm right here if he needs me.
I started this awhile ago and this day is coming to an end now.  A very good friend of mine called and she and her husband brought a whole chicken dinner over for us.  We sat and talked for awhile and they just left about half an hour ago.  Neither B. or I are very hungry tonight, but it was still such a very nice thing she did.
I think B. is exhausted (finally) and will be able to sleep tonight.  I really hope so.  We have so much to do..........  Handling the death is hard enough but the worst is yet to come and it's going to get harder before it gets easier.
There are so many other things I could write here but I am exhausted to and I will start to ramble if I continue...........

Things are Getting Better

A few new things have happened since the 21st.  This past Friday evening, G. was moved to the nursing home rehab and it's really nice.  From the people we've talked to, it's gotten a lot of praise.  I'm really happy too.  I know G. was a little apprehensive about going to the nursing home but I think she finally realized that she's not staying there permanently.  It's not a bad place but I hope I don't have to go to anyplace like that.  I don't want to be taken care of by someone I don't know.  I'd just rather not be here.
Anyway, it's still very quiet around the house and I can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything at all.  I just walk around and look at things.  Pick them up, put them down, walk away and sit down in front of the computer.  I have no ambition to do anything.  I hope this passes because I don't like it at all! 
The weather has turned out to be horrible.  It's cold and icy and just miserable.  I guess not as bad as some of the places that have been hit but still nasty.  I'll be so happy when it clears up a little.  I wish it had just stayed cold and then I could go out and build a snowman.  For some reason I wanted to go out and build a snowman the other day but this was not a good snow for that.  A little too heavy and wet.  I'm pretty sure we'll have more snow soon enough.  As soon as I learn how to put pictures on this thing I'm going to put some on here.  It's taken me so long to figure all of this computer stuff out, it makes me crazy!

Serious Stuff

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  January is not a good month for me and I could skip it altogether if it were at all possible.  Mom died on the 13th of January and my birthday is on the 20th.  That's a whole other story.  I made it through the 13th without a problem but the birthday turned out to be another story.
My birthday fell on Thursday this year and it was a cold clear day.  I wasn't very excited about it because it just means I'm another year older and still have too many things I want to do.  Anyway, I spend most of my time making sure my mother-in-law is OK and getting around alright.  Thursday morning she was coughing harder then she had been the past few days and she was beginning to sound worse.  I decided she was going to go to see the doctor and ended up seeing the nurse practitioner.  Not a big deal except that G. was having  lot of trouble walking.  The nurse said she thought G. should have an x-ray done of her chest because the cough didn't sound good at all.  We left the doctor's office and went right over to have the x-ray done and I don't think I've ever seen the place as packed with people as on this particular day.  We signed in and sat down and waited patiently for G.'s turn.  When the tech came out to get her, G. could not stand up.  The tech and I tried to get her up so she could use her walker but she couldn't support herself.  The tech got a wheel chair and that was the last time G. walked.  I had to pick up a prescription for her and I stopped to pick up an emergency wheel chair.  I never would have been able to get G. out of the van and into the house without the wheel chair.  I really didn't know what I was going to do with her and I felt so bad.  She just couldn't figure out what had happened.  She couldn't make her legs move at all so she just kind of shuffled when she had to move from the chair to the bed, toilet, etc...............  I really was a little scared for her.  On Friday morning she still couldn't get herself up on her own so I called the doctor's office.  When the nurse practitioner called back I explained what had happened and she said to get her to the hospital.  I really didn't want to call 911 but I knew I had to have her taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  The ambulance arrived pretty quickly and she went right to the ER.  Once there the testing started.  We weren't there very long and the nurse came back and said that G. would have to have blood transfusions!!!  Probably 4 transfusions of whole blood and plasma!!!!  It's no wonder she couldn't walk, she was working with about half the blood her body needs!!!  She was just getting weaker and weaker and no one could figure out why.  Right now she's still in the hospital and after 4 or 5 pints of blood, the doctors still don't know what happened.  One of the reasons she's still in the hospital is because her blood pressure can't be stabilized.  I just feel so bad for her.  She hasn't been able to walk by herself and the doctors want to send her to a nursing home rehab to get her back on her feet.  I know I can't take care of her here at the house so we've (my husband, myself, & my mother-in-law) all decided that this would be the right thing for her.  I know that she is not very happy about this turn of events.  She is terribly shy and everything in life scares her.  (Personally I think this will do her some good.  She really needs to get out and talk to people her own age.)  Seeing G. in the hospital makes me very sad.  I really dislike hospitals.  I know that the people in them try very hard to make you comfortable but it's such an unpleasant atmosphere.  I have a very hard time spending any time in them and I will never spend more than a day in the hospital, even if it means I have to take myself out of there.
It's very strange and quiet here in the house.  Especially at night.  Her oxygen machine is quiet and it makes it a little eerie.  I was hoping that it would mean I could sleep but so far that hasn't made any difference.  I still am not sleeping very well.  Hubby isn't either and he is my other concern.  I'm sort of watching him, because he has been very quiet and a little withdrawn.  Today is the first day we haven't gone to the hospital and he was feeling guilty about that.  I did call her and we talked for about 15 minutes.  I don't know if that helped or not.  By the time he decided he should go over it was getting dark and we have about 4 inches of snow on the ground with rain falling on top of that.  We're suppose to get another 4 to 6 inches on top of what we got today and it's suppose to start tonight.  I don't want any more snow.  I'm tired of it now.
I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Running a Little Late Tonight

A lot of things have been going on since I was here last.  B.'s been sick all weekend and hasn't been able to do much.  Right now I'm not feeling very good myself.  I haven't accomplished too much this weekend at all because all I want to do is sleep.  I've been falling asleep in the recliner almost every morning.  I think I'm suffering from my birthday coming up this week.  I know I'm not very happy about this birthday, only because every year now I realize how much time I've lost and how much more I'm going to loose if I don't get a hold of myself.  I blame my circumstances for my problems and I have to take some control over what's going on in my life. 
I finally decided it was time to start looking at all of my old clothes and see how much stuff I could get rid of.  My problem is that I hadn't seen the clothes for quite awhile and I didn't get rid of as many things I was hoping I would.  One thing that really helped was trying on the clothes because I've gained so much weight that I can't get into most of them.  It was a little depressing but I'll get over it.  I know this is something else I've got to take control of and the only way to do that is to get off my ass and out from in front of the TV and this computer!  I actually took a short walk this morning, mostly because I was hoping it would help me clear my head.  It almost worked, too.

Something to Think About

I pulled out some old clothes today because I just have to get rid of some of the stuff that I have stored away.  I've got so many clothes!  I don't know why I can't get rid of them!  I have no place to wear most of them anymore.  It was kind of fun to buy them when I needed them.  However, if I could have exchanged the clothes for a job I really loved, I would have done it in a heartbeat.  I realized today as I was trying some of the old skirts on, that I have no use for them and there must be someone out there that can use them.  The more of this collected stuff I get rid of the quicker I'll be able to concentrate on the things I want to do (I won't have any excuses not to do them either).  That's a whole other subject in itself.  Anyway, it looks like these clothes will go to the Salvation Army.  I know they'll help the people that have to depend on the Salvation Army and it makes me feel good, too.
The next projects will be to sort and dispose of a lot of little things that I've collected in my travels and try and get things organized.  I am absolutely positive that I'll be able to do this now.

January 2011 - Ugh!

Well, again I've broken my resolution to come here more often.  I'm still not sure why I feel like I should come here and type things in online. 
Anyway, this is a hard month for me.  I probably make it harder then it has to be but that's just me.  My new year seems to start on my birthday.  At least that's the way I feel or have been feeling for the past few years.  Probably as I got closer to 60.  Now turning 62 it's getting a little worse.  I have been trying very hard not to look back as much as possible but at times it's very hard not to.  Sometimes looking back can make you smile and then there are the other times that looking back makes you run through a whole mess of emotions.  Thursday at about 5:00 pm will be the 10th anniversary of my mother's dying (I hate the expression "pass away"- "She just passed away.").  My mother died.  It was on a Saturday a week before my birthday.  I ran through a whole lot of emotions that week; sadness, loneliness, anger, relief and feeling lost.  I hate to say this but my mother was the glue that held our family together.  My mother kept us (at least me) up to date as to what was going on with my brother and sister.  She took care of a lot of things that dad just had no interest in doing.  Most people just loved my mom.  She was out-going and pleasant and easy to talk to.  She had so many interests and one of the funniest was when she got a hold of the movie camera where she could record onto video cassettes.  That was right after the video players came out.  She had a ball and drove my dad crazy!  Every time I went to see her and dad we'd end up in front of the TV watching a movie or a video she had recorded.  Dad would just shake his head.  In fact, I still have a video that she made at the backyard reception we had when Barry and I got married.  She even narrated it, so I still have her voice to listen to.  I wish I had dad's voice too, but I don't.  Another really nice memory, is the Christmas that I ask Greg to help me put together a computer for mom.  I have pictures of her getting that silly old Mac piece by piece and just crying as she realized what was going on.  I think we gave her the mouse first.  Greg put it all together without much help from me since I had no idea what a Mac was like.  Even farther back is the time when I was much younger and taking riding lessons and she had an encounter with a bunch of young horses.  My lesson was in a fenced in ring in the middle of a larger fenced in area that the owners would turn their horses loose in.  My mom had no problem walking out to the ring with me and the horse I was riding.  However, when my lesson was over and she tried to get back to the stable, crossing this larger area, a group of young horses decided to investigate.  Every time she'd get a few yards from the ring, the whole bunch of them (the horses) would come galloping down on her and she'd run back to the fence!  It must have happened 4 or 5 times before my instructor realized what was going on and walked my mom back to the stable.  Mom did think it was pretty funny and said horses didn't like her.  Not true though, because one of the stabled horses just thought she was great.  The first time she got too close to his stall, he put his head over her shoulder and gave her a horse hug.  Scared her to death!!!  It took awhile for her to get use to it, but once she knew he wasn't trying to hurt her, she brought him carrots every time she came to the stable.  I love my mom and I miss her so much sometimes.

Now What For The New Year?

One of the resolutions I've made for myself is to post here more often.  I don't know why.  I just thought it might be nice to do.  It also might help me cope with the things that I know are coming up.  The first thing is my mother-in-law's health, mental and physical.  The other day she really scared me.  She seemed to have lost her memory and had a very hard time with words, remembering them and pronouncing them.  This happened what seemed like overnight and I am very unhappy with this situation.  I'm going to try very hard to manage my feelings and handle this because I know Barry is not going to be able to.  He just blocks things out.  I watch him and worry about what will happen when she's gone.  We'll have to see what happens next, I guess.
Miss Molly had to go in to see her doctor yesterday and back in for surgery this morning.  She had an awful time last week.  We're not sure what happened but for most of the week we couldn't touch her and she slept a lot.  By the end of the week she seemed much better and I found a mess of blood on her back.  It seems she had a cyst on her back that ruptured and bled.  Dr. B. was suppose to take 5 cysts and 1 small growth of her.  I was so stressed this morning.  I keep telling myself that she won't be with us forever and I try to be prepared for this.  She's 12 but so active and I guess I'm afraid that these sessions  with surgeries is going to shorten her life.  They're so stressful and hard on her system.  I really love this little dog.  It's the attachment to my dad.  Well, I have to get set up to bring my little Molly home, so I'll have to finish this latter.